This, my first post was inspired by an encounter I had with a client this morning who shared with me the agony of having discovered that her adult daughter had been molested as a child. As a result her daughter is an adult who can barely function because the wound in her spirit is so deep. I had not intended to write about this topic. I hadn't actually given much thought as to what my first post might be but, somehow this seems fitting for me. Perhaps no one will ever read this; perhaps it will be read by many. Perhaps it may make some of you uncomfortable, but I'm not writing for you. I'm writing for the one person who may glean a sparkle of hope, insight, healing... and I'm writing for me. I intend to be painfully honest. I intend to speak my truth.
While listening to this woman's story I realized that I (for whatever reason) am a very blessed woman. I was also sexually abused, as well as emotionally abused. Yet unlike her daughter I'm vibrant - I thrive. I own a successful business, I've raised 2 wonderful children, I have a beautiful life and I never give the abuse of the past a thought unless someone shares with me and awakens the memory. This was not always the case. I was a very angry young woman. And so my journey has been one of forgiveness and healing.
I was 8 years old when my stepfather came to my room for the first time. When I told my mother in the morning she said "Honey you must have dreamed that. He was in bed with me all night." The molestation continued but I remained silent for a time because there was no one to hear me. At the age of 14 I again approached my mother and told her that her husband had been coming to visit my room almost every night since I was 8. She responded "You have never liked him. You might be saying this to break up our family." And with that I was sent to Seattle to live with my Nana and uncle.
I spent too many years of my life feeling betrayed and victimized. Wasted years of depression and anger. But I also spent a lot of that time seeking truth. Asking God and myself what had to happen to get on with my life. Then one day I realized it was my choice. I could get better or I could be bitter. I had to forgive them because in not forgiving them I was only harming myself. I was giving power to something unworthy and beneath me. The only way for me to heal was to forgive. I struggled with that at first because I didn't believe they deserved it. But I deserved it! It took at least a year of meditation on that intent before I realized it was working. I later discovered it to be far more difficult to forgive myself, but in forgiving them I took my power back and that was a good start.
To heal oneself is never simple. It's a very difficult thing to undertake. My journey of healing turned out to have many layers and took many years. And even though I never give the molestation of my childhood a thought these days I've come to realize that in some ways I'm healing still. But If I had the ability to go back in time and stop that abuse from happening in my life - I wouldn't do it. I would not change a thing! That experience taught me to trust in a higher power. It taught me to have compassion. To love. To forgive... and to believe in myself. For that I am filled with gratitude! If I can rise from those ashes I can overcome anything! And rise I did. I am amazing for all I've been through. I'm absolutely beautiful and perfect in all my many imperfections, and if your motivation is love and healing, so are you...
© Rapture's Corner
